mom died

[syxxpm]

only way to explain is a timeline
9/28- mint condition mom
9/29 mom gets flu shot at walgreens
10/1 mom and dad both get severe strains of flu
10/13 both recovered competely
10/17 she gets what i believe to be another flu....
10/29 she sets appointment up with doctor
10/30-10/31-sickness exponentially intensifies..she doubles over occasionally convulsing....(she passed out with her eyes open if thats possible...when i walked into kitchen i thought she was dead then)...and then she snapped out of it and sat up alert for a second which almost made me jump through a door...skin is gray ..mumbles and murmurs
11/1 mom goes to doctor...doctor immediately rushes her into emergency room for testing....they tell us she has a blockage in her colon
11/2 blockage is now a tumor
11/3 tumor is now malignant and the size of a grapefruit
11/4 tumor removed... her gallbladder/appendix/ as well as parts of her intestines/colon and liver are removed
11/5 they tell us that surgery was a success and that shes clean and going to go in a rehab facility in two weeks....she seems healthy and coherent in the bed...she lost 4 pints of blood during surgery (they were pumping it in while working on her)
11/16 she is moved into dunroven medical
11/17 she calls me early in the morning screaming get me the fuck out of here...we discharge her against medical advice
11/17-11/20 she has become sickly thin .,....she must way 90-100 pounds....face triangular...skin pale again...shes incoherent like an alzheimers patient...she cant hold anything down...cant even drink water without vomiting....cant even take pills....she is puking oceans of what looks and smells like anti freeze....we later find out its bile......she starts hallucinating and talking to things that arent there....she sits in a chair staring for hours...then at 845 on the 20th she calls for one of us to come upstairs....she is now vomiting and urinating pure blood(......we call 911 she goes back to emergency....(her vomit is steaming...actually hot to the touch)

11/21 - (you know your in trouble when a doctor walks out of an office with tears welling up) she has renal cell sarcinoma...in the two weeks since the tumor was out ...three new tumors grew back in the same spot..she has a tumor on her shoulder and a tumor on her brain...renal is immune to chemo/radiation and immuno.....(basically shes fucked!) they giver her three months to live....she then tells us to bring the presents next week ...cuz she KNOWS...shes not gonna make christmas...dad breaks down...he is obliterated by this....32 years i never saw him cry before today EVER!

11/24 she is transferred to a pascack valley hospice.....she is coherent....shes a little sickly but all there....we reflect.....all is well

11/25 on thanksgiving its all shattered....she lost 20 pounds of water weight in one day....shes grey...incoherent and mumbling and hallicunating...she asked my sister what are all these people doing here and who are they....she was the only one in the room!... by the time we see her.....she cant talk in complete sentences....her eyes are either half shut..completely shut or rolling..shes mumbling in tongues...the last thing she ever says to me is ..."morphine?!"...yes she looked dead at me and in a tone that sounded like a suprized question asked if i was morphine....and than went back to sleep......she never woke up....

11/25-11/28- she went into a coma...slept with her mouth open gasping and breathing very heavily...we visited daily

11/29 12"31 am she died.......before we had a shot to talk to our lawyer about what we should do and how we should prepare (ironically enough ...hes in the hospital with hernia surgery)we gather her stuff from the hospital..dad talks to mortician...legal mumbo jumbo begins....(dad then precedes to tell me to remember the various things we will encounter because I will be burying HIM... in a few years)

11/30 -went to the bank to cash in two due cds...pay off hospice...it cost about 10,000 After insurance for her stay....im not sure but i think she is being cremated today...she is being kept in an urn in our house.....she didnt want a funeral or wake....we did however make a kick ass obit for her....

im not really here right now....my way of coping is that this has allready happened and im typing these memories a year into to future...i need to stay coherent ....im sorry.....i wish i knew an easier way to tell you folks what im going through...but im together as best as i can be...and now i gotta help my dad build a new future..and try to glue him back together as well...(not like i dont need a little elmers)

dear god...thanks for giving my mom a shitty childhood....a good life with us ...and than an extremely painful death.....in two months you turned her into a vibrant healthy (didnt smoke/drink/drug/eat sugar or red meat worked out and watched what she ate and only thought of others mother)woman...into a teapot...way to go.....no wonder bill maher doesnt acknowledge your existence....were you trying to top the book of jobe,,,or however the fuck you type it...well give yourself a golf clap.....cuz im shanking you when i get up there after i make my deal.......


sorry..... a little angry.....bare with me guys im doing what i can to move foward.....

syxx..fuck it....CARL thanks you for your time......when you see your mom or dad today..hug them and tell them how much they really mean to you.....i last hugged her fully on 9/30 ...last kissed her on 11/23 and last told her i love you and thank you 11 hours before she died....MAKE EVERY ONE OF THOSE COUNT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. and now back to our scheduled programming

[Wheeljak]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Syxx.
I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you had a good relationship with your mom; I know so many people who've never known what that's like.

[Chief]

...........................

[ChrisLDog]

Oh crap, Carl. That's a heavy story. I really feel for you, but don't really know what else to say. I can't imagine what that must be like, but the little I know about you is that you always seem to bounce back when you're feeling down. Stay strong for yourself and your dad.

Chris

[Twisted.Mellow]

So sad to hear, man. I'm sorry.

[Bonkman]

.....................................

Very sorry for your loss.

My own mother went thru something like this, except for the fact that she probably knew it was coming for 40+ years.
She had non-Hodgkin lymphoma (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-Hodgkin_lymphoma) at 18. Experimental full-chest radiation treatments & in a long-term study group at Stanford for 30 years after. Ended up having heart valve replacements in the early 2000's due to the deterioration by the radiation treatments. Complications from the second sugery left her bedridden in ICU for months. Finally got her moved to a care home and she was getting much better. Went to sleep one night...and didn't wake up the next day. They figured a pulmonary embolism or stroke as cause of death. Just too sudden.

[xtristessax]

this time last year i was burying my aunt who died of breast cancer that became bone cancer. i spent the last half of last year taking care of her, staying up all night giving trying to figure out if there was anything i could do to help her... i had the night shift, my aunt's boyfriend and my mother shared the day shift... and i remember that process, observing someone go from coherence to mumbling and hallucinating to finally, the heavy unconscious breathing. i did things i never thought i'd be capable of doing (as far as care-giving is concerned), and sometimes i still get flashbacks of the more traumatic moments. on top of that, you're stuck with dealing with other people's bullshit while your also trying to deal with the loss of someone you love. it numbed my mind for months, and stunted any energy i had for anything other than just coping with everyday things.

but, it does get better. it takes time.

death is not fair or easy.... hell, neither is life for that matter. but i am so sorry that you are faced with something so sudden and devastating.

[Louis85]

Wow, Syxx, I'm sorry that this all happened to you. I hope in time it will get better for you. It's REAL hard letting go of close family members. I give you my deepest condolences.

P.s. You shanking God was funny, and I laughed at it--I'm sorry.

[Harmeister]

I am so sorry.

..............

[Hero1]

Oh God syxx that's just horrible.. R.I.P. to your mom...

[ElizabethX]

What has happened, Carl, is so horrible that I know many of us can't understand exactly how you feel. Sometimes the pain we go through and watch others go through is just so senseless and insane, the only appropriate response is anger. Just know that I care, and that I'm sure whatever exists after this life, your mother is at much more peace now than what it was she had to withstand at the end. Maybe one day it will all make sense. Until then... :*(

[Cozmo D]

FUCK!!! I'm so sorry Carl!. I really don't know what to say. I have no idea if and how I would be able to handle what you have been through. And I am so, so sorry that I didn't call you. I was so involved with my mundane shit that I let it slip my mind. I feel like shit now. I am so sorry man.

[Tybris]

To endure, to live on, to thrive. So hard are these things when the world makes no sense, when there is no direction that matters. What use is there for stars or sunsets when your light is gone? But these things we must do for those that have can longer. No more do we breath or sleep, laugh and cry for our own hearts have become theirs. See through their eyes and think their thoughts. Carry with you everything. Every smile, every tear, every dance, every moment. For a few fleeting seconds between dreams, they live.

None of us can begin to fathom the pain we each feel when we lose someone. For me, all I know is that is how I try to live with the pain my grandmother who was my world. She was the hand the fed me, the hand the protected me, and the hand that broke me. I try to remember every smile I can, every song she sang, every moment we spent together. None of which makes the pain go away, and even nearly 3 years later it is a fight not to curl into a sobbing ball, but it is what allows me to endure, to live on, to thrive.

Carl, I am deeply sorry. I wish we all had words that could aide you, but we can offer you our friendship, an ear, or a shoulder should you need it.

[Louis85]

Well said.

[Bonkman]

Very well said.

[wendyful04]

oh my god
And you shared that with us. I'm glad you were able to be by her side. I have a fear of not having my son around when I'm older. You were there for her and that was a great comfort to her.

[justafan]

:bawl:

you deserve all the best, your dad too. My deepest sincere *hug* to you.

[Etherspin]

Ohh , Syxx I cannot tell you how sorry I am, for you and your father. major hugs to you man and I will indeed make sure my parents know how much I love them over the Christmas break when I see them. Good on you for being there with your mum through an awful time.

[STANLEY C. TAYLOR]

I wish I could say that I can relate, or know what your going through. It's been months since I loss my father. You and your family are in my prayers.

[dreamrib]

I feel for you babe. I know how frustering and hard it can be. I don't wish it on anyone.

Deddy died just over a year ago and it took me a long time just accept it. He went from doing great to in the hospital not being able to breath on his own or be without a mask in days. He died in two days from me getting off the plane. i didn't even get to talk to him without it, just be there with him,so I can understand. we didn't have any insurance so had to pull money from all the family just to cover the basics.

Anyway, I feel for you sweetie. I know your pain and I'm always here if you wanna talk, or just know you have someone in your corner!!

[DJ Detroit Butcher]

.................................... I have no words.

[fd]

I'm so sorry this has happened dude, I really can't say anything else that's helpful, the longer I live the more disillusioned I get at existing.